Please Stay Sober

I have a friend who has a blog in which she diedicates every Friday to Sobriety. She invites her friends to tell their stories of sobriety and share their triumphs on her website. This, I think, is fantastic. Anything, in recovering from alcohol or drug addiction or hell, even food addiction is a triumph for me. And to be able to write it out and share it with millions of people is even more phenominal. I have a few things to bring to the table as far as alcoholism. I have a brother, who has been a alcoholic as long as I can remember. He has fallen off that wagon and climbed back on it so many times, I swear you would think he was a professional wagon rider! It all started when he was only 14 years old. I was barely a year old then and I don't remember all the glorious details, but I take in what my mom and sister told me over the years. I can remember as far back as maybe 4. I remember the police coming to house...ALOT! It gets old, sitting up at night waiting for someone to come home making sure they don't get killed, or leave a cigarette burning in the ashtray to burn the house down. Countless nights, I remember my Mom and I sitting up waiting by the phone for him to call for a ride home. He would get into horrible bar fights, to where I do not know how he survived them. Beaten with lead pipes and bats. I used to tell my mom, I swear God gave him nine lives. But I think he doubled them somewhere along the line.
Over the years, his drinking becaome became more frequent and drugs started showing up. I remember finding needles in his contracting truck. I used to cringe. He was always doing little stints in jail for DUI or parking violations or tickets. When his only daughter started on drugs, he fell into the path with her. The ventured down the road of "Hard Core Dope" together. She is now serving two years in a maximum prison for armed robbery. My brother is serving one year in a local prison for DUI and drugs. I truly believe that had he not gone to jail, he would have drank himself to death. He was in the bar from morning to night, putting down a gallon of Vodka in two days, sometimes sooner. Ontop of popping pill after ever-loving pill. Maybe this is God's way of "Drying him out".
The good in all of this? My brother and I have been writing leter's and talking via writing letter's. We are making alot of plan's for when he get's out of jail. I have been begging and pleading with him to make a clean start and turn his life around. I am scared. So, so scared he is going to "fall" off that damn wagon. I have to say, It's probably his last chance in life. If he choses the alcohol this time, it will be a death call. I can't afford to lose another sibling. I just lost my sister to Cancer last January. Cancer that attacked her lungs from smoking one cigarette after another. I am so tired watching people I love self-destruct. I know he is a big-boy and should be able to take care of himself. But because of alcoholism, he has lost his wife of many years, his home, his car, his freedom, and his dignity. He has pretty much hit rock bottom. Right now, the only way to go is up...right? Please, Please Please go up!

I Miss You...

This is the last picture I took of my dear, sweet sister about a week before she passed away last year. We were at my mom's house on Christmas Day for dinner. She was so happy to be there with us and my baby girl. She absolutely adored Abbie. She always told me from the day I got pregnant that I was having a girl. I know she is her guardian angel and she watches over her. She passed away Janurary 3rd 2009. It seems like a lifetime ago that I have heard her voice, yet I'll never forget her laugh. It seem like eternity since I have seen her face, yet I'll never forget her smile. I love you, sissy. I hope Heaven is everything you thought it would be. I hope you are running your fingers through that lion's mane, riding that drop of rain, visiting with your dad, and grandma and all of those we lost along the way. Until we meet again, please be our angel and always remember how much you are forever loved and missed.

This is what it's all about at the end of the day!

Rewards

I am making this post about rewards for the simple fact that I am sitting back and looking at what I have created today. Taking it all in, breathing deep and letting out a tear or two of happiness and thanks to the Lord that four of the most beautiful children in the world belong to me. I couldn't imagine what in the world I have done in my past that makes me so blessed to be a part of their lives. I have truly been honored to be David and Jacob's Step-mother. Eventhough we do not use that word "step" in our house, every one is brother and sister. I am "Nan". How precious is that? I recall one day Jake asking me if I wanted them to call me "mom"? I answered with a "No". The look on his face was priceless. He said, "Why?" I simply told him, because you already have a mom, and God only gives you one mom and one dad, you blessed me by calling me "Nan" years ago and that is who I am, and I LOVE it! His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and it looked as if he were relieved a bit. In my heart, I wouldn't want my children calling anyone but ME mom, so I respect that in everyone else...even if it is an ex-wife that I do not care for and does not respect me. From that day on, a new bond has formed between us. As for my biological children, they are perfect in everyway. They have their days as all children do, but they are beautiful, smart and sweet. I am the proudest Mommy in the whole world to have those kids.

O Brother...

I am having a hard day. Very emotional and crying over every little thing today. I received a letter from my brother who is doing time in prison for DUI and a violating a PFA order. A long story, for another time. It saddens me to the core that he is in there and and I know he put himself there, but my heart feels otherwise. He is my only surviving sibling and I love him. I know it's killing my mom that he is there. He calls her every other day. It took me all day to get up the courage to read the letter because everytime I picked it up, I started to bawl. It wasn't anything bad, just saying how much he missed us and loved us, and that he was facing some medical issues about his liver being bad. From the many, many years of alcoholism, he now has sclerosis of the liver. The doctor's tell him if he takes one more drink, he will die. Well, this threw me for a tailspin. I can't bear to lose another sibling. Losing my sister was traumatizing enough! It's been a little over a year and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she is gone and I will NEVER see her again!
The worst part of all this is that my brother is making all these plans for when he does get out. He is promising to take my kids, along with his grandkids to Idlewild and Sandcasltle. Great! I just hope he stays sober long enough to do so. Because if he doesn't...he will die! How do you prepare yourself for something like this? Ugh, I know my mother will never survive another death of one of her children...NEVER! Anyone have a majic wand I can borrow for awhile? I promise to return it...Maybe!

My Little Boy

Tomorrow I will be taking my son, Nico to register for Kindergarten for the fall. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my first born child, my baby boy, who weighs a whopping 89 pounds and is over 4 feet tall and almost 5 years old is going to school already. Where on earth does the time go? I remember the day I brought him home. Before long, I will be sending my baby girl, too. I sigh knowing how hard it will be for me to put him on the bus that first day. Everyone keeps telling me, you will rejoice, celebrate, jump up and down! No way! I love my kids and love being home with them all day and watching them learn and grow. Yeah, there are days that are trying and stressful, but I wouldn't trade them for anything! I was so blessed to have been able to stay home and be with them all these years. I am glad I am the one who taught them to write and walk and do everything they know how to do up to now. I know now it's time to let go and set him free. (A little bit) But I will always be that hovering mommy who loves her little boy more than anything in the whole world, and I bet I will be the proudest mommy of all the Kindergarten mommies there tomorrow. My son is by far the smartest, most handsome, polite, little boy ever. And I like to take some of the credit for that!

My Heavy Heart

Lately I have been thinking alot about my sister. I am not sure why. Maybe becuase the weather is starting to ease up a bit. It seems like everytime the weather changes, I start to get depressed thinking about times we have shared or what she would be doing now. She wasn't a very "active" person, so I am not sure exactly why I harp so much on these things. I guess I just can't grasp the fact that she is gone and is NEVER coming back. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am never going to see her face again! How final death is! Lately so many young people have been taking their own lives. Do they know what this does to their families? I bet I have seen at least 4 people over the last 3 days committed suicide. It's a damn shame. I understand peole get depressed and don't know what to do, hell, I get depressed all the time, but I try to find a bright side. I pity those who can't find that strength to grab onto that bright side and fall into the dark hole. It's a long journey, depression. A life-long battle. Some deny it, some live with it and never tell. Other's medicate themselve's and go-on with their lives. Other's never know they even have it, and end up going crazy and doing the unthinkable. I have had my share of depression from time-to-time in my life. Doctor's put a label on it as soon as you say you are not able to concentrate or feel sad or out of commission or tired. Right away, they want to slap you on medication. I have been on some of that medication and it almost made me crazy(er)! I have worked through the problems on my own, and came shining through (thank the good Lord!) I do rely alot on God and my prayer, it never lets me down. I just hope that when anyone who is reading this knows if they have any thoughts of depression... get help, talk to a friend, write it out, or call me...I am here for anyone who may need me!!! I am good for stuff like that. I may not be good for much in this world, but I do make an awesome listener, and a pretty good friend!!!!

New Baby

We are proud to announce that there will be a new "Kieta" coming to a theatre near you. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend Bonny are expecting their first child in July. As a matter of fact, it is due July 31st, the day after my birthday. I am so happy for them. It brings me joy to know that my kids will have a cousin close in age. I hope for my daughter's sake they have a girl, but then I want to be selfish and her be the only girl in the family. Is that mean? Right now, she is the PRINCESS, and if they have a girl, she won't be the princess anymore. That will suck. All I ask, is that this baby is healthy with ten little fingers and ten liitle toes. The best part about it is; I get to babysit and sent it home and get a good night's sleep!!!! LOL! Love you Steve and Bonny, you will be awesome parents!

Bring it on...

I thought I was going to get by this sick season without any major disasters. So, I let my son go to his grandparent's house last week. Now, normally I am a freak when it comes to bndling up my kids to go out in this nasty weather. I make them wear hats and scarfs and gloves and zip up to their eye-balls! Yeah, I am a leunatic! In my opinion, there is nothing MORE stressful than a sick kid! Agree? Onward...
My kid comes home the morning after with Grandpa in tow, still in his pj's(accckkkk!), Hat NOT down over his ears coat not zipped up, no gloves, scarf WTH???? Wind blowing 40mph!!! He went to the post office, and God knows where else in the the cold weather, NOT bundled up! NOW he has a TERRIBLE Chest cold which I fear may be pneumonia. Just shoot me dead...Abbie started coughing this morning, load up the gun... now I will have TWO sick kids to tend to. Do people not realize that sick kids mean sleepless nights, irritability, crankiness, snot-nose, hacking, coughing, constant- hanging on mom and dad and did I mention sleepless nights????????? So, I have a 3:30 appointment at the Pediatrician's Office today. Hopefully I will nip it in the bud. Pray, Pray, pray. Thanks grandpa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!