It's time to clean out the crap!

It's spring time again, and here, that means YARD SALE! Every May, the first Saturday is dedicated to a community yard sale. It's pretty neat because everyone knows it's coming. No need to advertise, come rain or shine, it is on! Well, I kind of wish they would have made it for the END of May when the weather was a little more predictable. New York just got a foot of snow yesterday. It's been really cold at night here in PA. Dropping to about 30 degrees. BRRRR. So on Saturday morning, I have to get my aching but up at 4 am, truck out into the 30 degree weather, and set up for this yard sale. Last year we cleared almost a thousand dollars by noon.
I was sorting through all the baby things, Abby's baby things, and I can't believe she is out of the "baby stage"! She will be 20 months old on May 4! Gosh, how time is flying by. My sister has been gone for 14 months already and I still feel like it's a bad dream. I still talk to her every day, yell at her when something falls in the house, because I know she is there with me at times. I miss her sooo much I think my heart is going to break. No one should have to grow old without their siblings. I try to pound into my kids heads every day how blessed they are to have each other. And never -ever take it for granted...because you never know what tomorrow holds.

Ready for a Splurge!

Have you ever wished you could just go shopping and buy whatever you wanted! Hell, I just wish I could go shopping! I would be happy with a day of window shopping! My dear daughter is at the age (19months) where she DON'T let mommy out of her sight! Not even to take a pee. Seriously, I go to the bathroom, she follows behind me, unrolls the toilet paper for me, flushes the toilet and hands me the towel when I am done washing my hands. Don't get me wrong, it's really nice having my own personal assistant and all, but somedays, I just want some peace! My kids are the greatest joys of my life, and I wouldn't want to live one single day without them. But I sure would like to have a "me" day. You know, the one where you get to go to ANY store YOU want to and stay for however long you want to! I can't even imagine that! It's been like six years since I have done that. Maybe longer. If my son has something he needs to go to the store for, it's let's get it and go! My daughter has only been to Wal Mart once in her 19 months of life! I'm not big on taking babies into germ infested stores like Wal Mart. Bleh! They seem to want to crawl all over the floors and touch EVERYTHING in sight! Super BLEH! I don't know why I am in this mood today, maybe it's because everyone I know is out shopping, it's beautiful outside...too cold to hang out but sunny enough to take a ride to the mall! Perfect shopping weather. I am eating my heart out here! I guess I'll have to settle for Ebay and the JCPenney catalog! Again...BLEH!

Another day in the Life

I have alot of blogs that I follow on a daily basis. Most of them are about mother's who have lost their babies to some sort of traumatizing illness or death. I don't know how I find these blogs, or even why I choose to follow them, but my heart bleeds for these mothers. Most of these blogs I have been following over a year and they are still in a deep state of depression and greiving. Other's have moved on and are still somewhat saddned. I try not to think about how I would react if I were in that situation, because that is the main thing I ask God for when I say my prayers everyday. I pray to never let anything be wrong with my children, and never let them suffer in anyway. I know I could never handle losing one of my children. As I have discussed with my husband already, God forbid, if anything should ever happen to one of my kids, just bury me right next to them because I could never survive it. I get sick seeing what these womwn are going through on the internet. I can't even imagine what they are really fighting the other 23 1/2 hours that we don't see them. It's awful. These poor children at St. Jude's Children's Hospital fighting for their tiny little lives every day. I pray that God heals them all. I wish they didn't have to suffer and die. I donate monthly to the St. Jude Hospital Foundation, but I feel like I could do more. My stomache just flops when I see those children. Tears fill my eyes. Those have to be the strongest people ever! They really are my heroes. And when my kids get a little whiny and out of line, and complain that they don't have or they want, I show them the picture's I have on the refrigerator of some of the children at St. Jude that are fighting for their lives. I tell them that those children don't have the strength to go outside and play, or can't go home and be with their brother/sister's. They can't go to the park or to the store or play basketball or Karate. They are confined to a bed all the time because they are sick and don't even know if they are going to live to see their next Birthday or not. It usually strikes a nerve. Makes them realize what is important. For a little while, anyway. I just hope that these children know that there are people out there that truly care about them and want the best for them. God Bless all children...even mine!

Please Stay Sober

I have a friend who has a blog in which she diedicates every Friday to Sobriety. She invites her friends to tell their stories of sobriety and share their triumphs on her website. This, I think, is fantastic. Anything, in recovering from alcohol or drug addiction or hell, even food addiction is a triumph for me. And to be able to write it out and share it with millions of people is even more phenominal. I have a few things to bring to the table as far as alcoholism. I have a brother, who has been a alcoholic as long as I can remember. He has fallen off that wagon and climbed back on it so many times, I swear you would think he was a professional wagon rider! It all started when he was only 14 years old. I was barely a year old then and I don't remember all the glorious details, but I take in what my mom and sister told me over the years. I can remember as far back as maybe 4. I remember the police coming to house...ALOT! It gets old, sitting up at night waiting for someone to come home making sure they don't get killed, or leave a cigarette burning in the ashtray to burn the house down. Countless nights, I remember my Mom and I sitting up waiting by the phone for him to call for a ride home. He would get into horrible bar fights, to where I do not know how he survived them. Beaten with lead pipes and bats. I used to tell my mom, I swear God gave him nine lives. But I think he doubled them somewhere along the line.
Over the years, his drinking becaome became more frequent and drugs started showing up. I remember finding needles in his contracting truck. I used to cringe. He was always doing little stints in jail for DUI or parking violations or tickets. When his only daughter started on drugs, he fell into the path with her. The ventured down the road of "Hard Core Dope" together. She is now serving two years in a maximum prison for armed robbery. My brother is serving one year in a local prison for DUI and drugs. I truly believe that had he not gone to jail, he would have drank himself to death. He was in the bar from morning to night, putting down a gallon of Vodka in two days, sometimes sooner. Ontop of popping pill after ever-loving pill. Maybe this is God's way of "Drying him out".
The good in all of this? My brother and I have been writing leter's and talking via writing letter's. We are making alot of plan's for when he get's out of jail. I have been begging and pleading with him to make a clean start and turn his life around. I am scared. So, so scared he is going to "fall" off that damn wagon. I have to say, It's probably his last chance in life. If he choses the alcohol this time, it will be a death call. I can't afford to lose another sibling. I just lost my sister to Cancer last January. Cancer that attacked her lungs from smoking one cigarette after another. I am so tired watching people I love self-destruct. I know he is a big-boy and should be able to take care of himself. But because of alcoholism, he has lost his wife of many years, his home, his car, his freedom, and his dignity. He has pretty much hit rock bottom. Right now, the only way to go is up...right? Please, Please Please go up!

I Miss You...

This is the last picture I took of my dear, sweet sister about a week before she passed away last year. We were at my mom's house on Christmas Day for dinner. She was so happy to be there with us and my baby girl. She absolutely adored Abbie. She always told me from the day I got pregnant that I was having a girl. I know she is her guardian angel and she watches over her. She passed away Janurary 3rd 2009. It seems like a lifetime ago that I have heard her voice, yet I'll never forget her laugh. It seem like eternity since I have seen her face, yet I'll never forget her smile. I love you, sissy. I hope Heaven is everything you thought it would be. I hope you are running your fingers through that lion's mane, riding that drop of rain, visiting with your dad, and grandma and all of those we lost along the way. Until we meet again, please be our angel and always remember how much you are forever loved and missed.

This is what it's all about at the end of the day!

Rewards

I am making this post about rewards for the simple fact that I am sitting back and looking at what I have created today. Taking it all in, breathing deep and letting out a tear or two of happiness and thanks to the Lord that four of the most beautiful children in the world belong to me. I couldn't imagine what in the world I have done in my past that makes me so blessed to be a part of their lives. I have truly been honored to be David and Jacob's Step-mother. Eventhough we do not use that word "step" in our house, every one is brother and sister. I am "Nan". How precious is that? I recall one day Jake asking me if I wanted them to call me "mom"? I answered with a "No". The look on his face was priceless. He said, "Why?" I simply told him, because you already have a mom, and God only gives you one mom and one dad, you blessed me by calling me "Nan" years ago and that is who I am, and I LOVE it! His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and it looked as if he were relieved a bit. In my heart, I wouldn't want my children calling anyone but ME mom, so I respect that in everyone else...even if it is an ex-wife that I do not care for and does not respect me. From that day on, a new bond has formed between us. As for my biological children, they are perfect in everyway. They have their days as all children do, but they are beautiful, smart and sweet. I am the proudest Mommy in the whole world to have those kids.